JOE IS GONNA KILL YOU! (Version 2.0)

(The Following Post is a humorous Wrestling joke post. In now way shape or form do I want the following things to happen to the real wrestlers in WWE. I wrote this as a joke. I am not advocating violence torwards wrestlers, no matter how much their gimmicks, or looks annoy me. )

 Monday night raw will not be the same once Samoa Joe Arrives. I predict he will be almost as unstoppable as he was in TNA. The Samoan Submission Machine packs one mean punch (and kick) and the whole WWE Roster better watch out or else they will be in deep doo-doo.

I can say with 100% certainty that the following wrestlers will get ripped to shreds by Joe. The following wrestlers don't stand any chance of beating Joe at his game. It will not be pretty for fanboys/girls of these wrestlers. They will weep in agony as their hero falls to the Samoan Submission Machine!

 
The following matches I will predict the outcome to.


Samoa Joe vs Roman Reigns:

Even though I am a huge Roman Reigns fan (hate it all you want!), I don't see Joe losing to him whatsoever. Reigns is nowhere near as good as Joe. Nor is Ambrose. The match will probably go back in forth like most Matches but at the end Reigns will apply his "Superman Punch" Finisher on Joe. The announcer will scream "SUPERMAN PUNCH!". But by the time they scream it they will realize they called the match wrong and Roman did not hit the Superman Punch at all. Joe is too quick for that to work. See his reflexes will allow him to block the superman punch and grab Roman's Arm. He will quickly throw Roman to the ground and apply the brutal "Coquina Clutch" Move. Roman will tap out.
Roman 0 Joe 1


That's nice compared to what Joe will do to the following 5 wrestlers. Unlike Roman, I cannot stand any of the following wrestlers.

Samoa Joe vs John Cena

This match will not be close. Joe will rip Cena to Shreds. Joe will kick his ass quite brutally. Tons of kicks and punches. Cena will not be able to block them. Eventually Cena will turn it around and start doing Moves on Joe. For a while it will seem like John is winning. But then comes the AA. The announcers say John will win. But Joe is slippery. He will slip off of John's shoulders and drop to the ground, then immediately swiftly kick Cena in the Nuts!  John will fall down. Joe will Jump On top of him and apply the before mentioned Coquina Clutch. Cena Taps Out and Looses. Then (since both Joe and John like rap) Joe will start to break into a rap saying how Cena Sucks and was never a good wrestler and how he should quit wrestling.
Cena 0 Joe 1

Samoa Joe vs King Barrett

King Barrett ripped Samoa Joe in a post on facebook saying how a match between them will end in a bull hammer. What a Dick! He doesn't know he bit off more than he can chew, does he. See barrett is a shitty wrestler who is less than 1/10 the wrestler Joe Is. He will try to use the stupid Bull Hammer Move but Joe will block it, grab his arm, twist his arm till he falls on the floor, Apply the Coquina Clutch and make Barrett Tap out. Then he will kick Barrett in the Nuts. 10 Times in a row to make it so Queen Barrett never wrestles again. BECAUSE HE SUX
Joe 1 Barrett 0 (What does Barrett think he is, a good wrestler, for god's sake his moves solely consist of stomps to legs and arms, that's not wrestling that's heel BS cheating BS!)

Samoa Joe vs the Miz

Prepare for the biggest WWE Ass Whooping ever movie star... HAHAHAH

Samoa Joe will eventually be challenged to wrestle the ridiculously annoying wrestler "the Miz" (what kind of stupid name is that!). Joe will kick Miz's ass. But at first Miz will have the advantage. He will punch Joe and make Joe fall on the ground. Then he will do his stupid arms out hands flickering gesture I hate. But unlike other wrestler cowards (besides AJ Styles anyway) He will jump up immediately and then Kick Miz in the Nuts!

See Joe will be 200% more pissed at Miz than at any other wrestler he kicks in the nuts. This will make Joe Kick with twice the force, making the Miz's Nads Bleed! Bleed Bad. In fact the Miz will be taken to the Hospital. But it's not over. Joe will follow Him there and dress up like a doctor. Then he will say to Miz (with tons of life support needles attached to The Miz's nads) "I am doctor Seanoa, I bust muscles for a living!". Then He will deliver the Muscle Buster 50 times in a row to Miz's butchered body.

The Miz will be now bleeding all over. He will have tons of doctors trying to fix Him. Joe will kick their ass and the cops will come in. Joe will kick their ass too. Then Joe will carry the limp unconscious body to an ambulance, Drive it off a cliff, and roll out of the Ambulance before it reaches the cliff, because he's that damn fast.

Joe 100 Miz 0

Samoa Joe vs Sheamus

Sheamus is a goof with stupid hair. Admit it. And even though his moves are quite good, he is nowhere as good as Joe. Not even close. At some point in their match, Sheamus will try to put Joe in his move where he straps his opponent through the ropes and hits him in the chest. That will happen and Joe will be pissed off. So Pissed off that he will Grab Sheamus's Head from behind and mercilessly toss sheamus over his head, so Sheamus lands on the Curb Below, Busting Him Open.

Sheamus is now in Deep Shit.

Joe will kick sheamus in the wound, and mercilessly throw up on the wound, because he ate a shitty Turkey Sandwitch earlier in the Day!  He will then deliver the move that fits him perfectly but isn't used by him, Rikishi's Stinkface!  He will then punk out sheamus and say that sheamus should really shower more! Then He will toss Sheamus into the ring and Shave Sheamus's Stupid Hair. It will be like Edge vs Angle's aftermath only this time the Bald wrestler at the end can't wrestle for shit. Then He will Kick Sheamus over and over again, breaking all of his leg bones. Then He will Deliver the Musclebuster and the Coquina Clutch in that order. Sheamus will not tap out. He will reach the ropes. Joe will then kick him in the nuts! Over and Over Again. He will then tap out because of the pain.

Joe 1000 Sheamus -50 (cut your stupid hair!)


 Samoa Joe vs the New Day

Eventually the annoying trio of gay guys pretending to be Pro Wrestlers called the new day will annoy the hell out of Joe like they have been with me for years. Joe will come out and say "shut up you are annoying me, one more stupid bootie comment and I am going in there to single handily kick your ass!"  They make the bootie comment and then he goes in and there is a match between him and all of the New Day. A 1 on 3 match. But Joe will win it. Easily.

See Joe is immune to the infamous "Unicorn Stampede". The Instant  one of them tries to do the stampede, he will jump up, grab the stomping leg, rip it off of them in a rage never seen in the WWE ever. He single handily ripped the leg out of the body! He then will get up and beat them over  the head with the leg. Over and over again. This will cause the Fag with the trombone to come in.  Joe will take the Trombone from him, beat them over the head with it and then shove it up Big-E's ass because it looks like it could fit in there!

Imagine the "Joe is gonna Kill you" Chants Now!

Then Joe will apply the Coquina Clutch to the now Busted open Big E. Big E will not Tap out. Joe will then stomp him in his neck over and over again. Big E can't move because he has a 2 foot trombone up his ass. Joe will then Musclebust Him. Over and over again. Joe will then Punk them On the Mic. He will say their act sucks. He will then Beat them up horribly. He will then Shave Kofi's Hair and Xavier's Hair because their haircuts suck! Then He will Use Tons of Powerslams to dislodge the bloody Trombone from Big-E's ass and shove it down Kofi's Throat! Kofi will pass out and have to be removed from the arena in an ambulance. This causes Kofi to Quit wrestling forever and the new day is dead as a result.  He will win the match by making one of the others tap to the Coquina Clutch.  No more new Day. The whole arena thanks Joe (by chanting "Thank you Joe!") for getting rid of the obscenely annoying New Day Gimmick forever! Even though he is a heel he will be famously remembered for this one ass whooping!


Joe 10000 The new Day (their gay!) -1000




My humblest apologies go out to the wrestlers I Just punked out. But hey, some of them deserved it like the New Day (For Being the most annoying tag team ever! I thought Too Cool was bad, these guys make too cool look like Edge and Christian in Comparison! Fuck!) and King Barrett (For trashing Joe in his advertisement for WWE 2K16 - Hey King Barrett! Joe is 1000 times the wrestler you are!)

In The WWF No Mercy N64 Game the Tag team of Me and Samoa Joe rip apart the New Day!

Video games are fun. Especially Wrestling ones. Recently I was able to get WWF No Mercy for my N64. It is perhaps the best wrestling game ever.  And since it roster lacked really good wrestlers I created several great ones from WWE, NXT, TNA, and other sources. (A full list is at the bottom of the page). I started by creating who I think is the best wrestler ever, Bret Hart. I used CAW Guides for him and moveset guides on the Internet to help me. I then had to make my favorite wrestler wrestling today, Samoa Joe as well.

I then made a wrestler based on me loosely, named the Executioner.   I am not anywhere near athlete form in real life. But I always start every sports game I play by making me in it.  I then created lots of other great wrestlers from WWE, TNA and NXT as well. The movesets of these wrestlers are not 100% accurate to the real wrestlers but is close at least. Some finishers and moves couldn't be done so I had to improvise and chose something close but not exactly the same.


I only did CPU vs CPU matches in the game. I didn't control any wrestler. The result in the matches and the wrestlers actions were beyond my control, that's what made the below events amazing. I setup a set of tag teams that would compete in a tag team tournament. Me and Joe were one, I called our team Destruction INC.

Destruction INC's first test was a tag team tournament, with the first match against the New Day. I don't like the new day at all. I wanted someone to beat them bad. So I hoped Destruction INC could beat them. But the match didn't start great. Executioner and Joe were getting beat up bad. The new day were winning. But then near the end of the 38 minute match something amazing happened. Joe started to really do well. He single handily started to rip The New Day to shreds. He was stomping Big E in the neck with his awesome Foot driven Neck Crush move. Big E couldn't stop Joe for the life of him. Right then I started to get really cocky and I started to chant "Joe is gonna kill you!" over and over again. And then Joe put Big E in the Muscle Buster.  And then he won the match for Destruction INC. I chanted "YES!" at the top of my lungs. It was awesome. We had eliminated the most annoying tag team in WWE History and Joe did it all by himself!

We went on to totally annihilate two other teams of great wrestlers, and Joe came up big in all 3 matches. The second match against Y2J and AJ Styles. The Third one against Kevin Owens and Bret Hart. In the first one we barely were doing anything but then Joe comes up huge and destroys AJ Single handily and wins the match.

In the final match, Owens ripped us to shreds. He kicked me in the Nuts 2 times. He then busted open Joe in the head and the chest. Despite those two things I managed to defeat and Pin Bret Hart. And at that time Joe came into the ring to stop Owens from breaking up  the pin, he Clocked Owens in the head knocking him over.

It was fun as hell. I think I had more fun watching the matches then raw and fastline combined!

I may do wrestling matches on my youtube channel eventually. Probably singles matches. They take less time than tag matches in the game.


Wrestlers I made:

Bret Hart
Samoa Joe
The Executioner
Brock Lesnar
AJ Styles
The Big Show
Finn Balor
Rob Van Dam
Alberto Del Rio
Kevin Owens
Roman Reigns
Daniel Bryan
Dolph Ziggler
Christopher Daniels
Rhyno
Dean Ambrose
Kofi Kingston
Big E

Wrestlers I created by ended up replacing them with others due to the 18 created wrestler limit:
Randy Orton
CM Punk (I regret replacing him with someone else, I am a Huge CM Punk Fan)
Ric Flair
Roddy Piper
Rey Mysterio (came out bad)
Bray Wyatt (came out bad, no giant beard options)
Braun Strowman (Came out bad, no giant beard options)